In the last few years, the Kentucky Futurity has been able to offer a purse of between $400,000 and a half a million dollars to the horses that are entered.
The great thing about this race is that the race has never been about winning large sums of money. The Red Mile has tried to improve the total purse over the past few years and has begun to add money to the total purse. The horsemen and women that are associated with the sport of harness racing are more concerned about having a champion harness racer that will be able to get their name in the history books, along with the past harness racing champions, by simply winning this prestigious and historical race.
There have also been several occasions in which the Kentucky Futurity was only decided after the horses raced in five heats. In the early years of the race, it was not uncommon for the horses to race as many as four heats before the winner could be determined.
History of the Kentucky Futurity
by: Simon M. The most heats that have been needed to determine the winner was six.
The Kentucky Futurity is the second race of the prestigious Triple Crown of harness racing for trotters. It is one of the few races in the sport of harness racing that still utilizes elimination races to determine the winner of the race.
With the elimination format, a horse must win two heats before they will be declared the winner. In the early years of the race, the horses would often race for a total purse of less than $60,000, compared to the Hambletonian that had a purse of over $70,000 for its first running. The race was first held in 1893 at the Red Mile race course in Lexington Kentucky and has remained at the same location for its entire history.
Being that the Kentucky Futurity has always been held in the bluegrass state of Kentucky; the race became an instant success and has continued to be very popular among both horsemen and horseracing fans. Skinner. Even thought the Kentucky Futurity is one of the races of the harness racing Triple Crown for trotters, the purse money has not always been very substantial. This means heats will continue to be held until one of the horses is able to win two
Posted by admin on February 5th, 2016 :: Filed under Uncategorized
To bet the underdog you could wager less and win extra.
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Posted by admin on February 4th, 2016 :: Filed under Uncategorized
Many will dismiss outright the ability to make good returns on your investment through the medium of sports betting. In the UK and Europe it is mainly Soccer and Horse Racing. There is no tax on betting in the UK which is a big advantage and no pari-mutuel system on horse racing. I guess some books simply do not like winners – but many manage the action well and allow big bets. You will love it or hate it..
Of course to many members of society – betting also carries a great big “loser” tag. Hockey does not have many takers but the lines are often the best value – the prices can be very generous. Of course this could vary greatly – years of 30% and 13% would also be possible. I am always aware of the possibility but I am confident I will never experience one again – partly because of the numerous hedging methods now available on the sports betting exchanges. You worship different gods and your path is one that runs through the wilderness and is not well trodden. You need to indentify the “product” eg a stock or a team – it doesn’t matter. Most people trust their savings and investment income to experts and no doubt if the betting public trusted their income to the 1% or 2% of betting experts who made a profit – the loser label might become less sticky. If your expectation of that product doing well is higher than the price on display – in relative terms. Baseball runs somewhere in between. Sports markets are not influenced by the economy. Still, if you are not profitable in your betting after say 350 bets or thereabouts – it may be time to say “ok this is not for me” or “ok let me re-think my betting strategy.” You simpy cannot tell if you are a good or bad bettor after 10, 20 or 50 bets – with those low numbers you are still falling victim to standard deviation and probability.
Sports Betting as an Alternative Investment
by: Daniel B. Very briefly the US pros generally turn to Basketball as a major source of income simply because of the sheer number of games -
Anywhere between 18% and 22% on betting turnover (that money actually put through the sportsbooks) annually. If you are not getting a value price, then you will find it hard to make a profit.
You will notice that I have not stated losing years – this is because they are rare – I have experienced one in my life time, my first. No corporate social or support structure, no lunches, no team environment. Winning bettors do not win money from a sportsbook, they win money from other losing players. Remember a good bettor will still lose around 4.4 to 4.6 bets out of 10. I say curiously because if the book is doing its job properly, it is taking the action from both sides of the line (odds on the event) and simply taking the commission in the middle.
you need to bet high numbers of games to get the returns. This is not without justification since the vast majority of sports bettors do lose. The laws of probability defy accurate annual estimates.
This article was posted on January 29, 2005
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. The sportsbook makes its money whatever the result – they are merely commission-takers. It is tougher psychologically as you generally act in a lone capacity. Big bets means big turnover, big turnover means big profits.
The key to success in any trading or betting environment is value. I wonder how many young people on Wall Street today can confidently say they will only have one losing year? There may be a handful, those engaging in arbitrage and those experienced in ‘selling’ as well as ‘buying’ the market – but there won’t be many.
Generally I have found that sports betting produces bettor average returns year on year.
So what kind of returns can you expect?
So do the sportsbooks close accounts if you are a winning player? Well curiously the answer is ‘yes’. I would, however, estimate that the percentage of “losers” would be equally high in the world of stock trading and investment markets if you considered those individuals who entered that environment without the necessary experience. The price you get in the morning is the price you stay with – unlike US horse betting which is subject to starting price odds and heavy taxes. Football (NFL) is big too though game numbers are few. You “buy” it. But then no bosses, politics…you know the score.
Betting is also virtually recession proof, lets face it only a huge war might disrupt the national sports schedule. It is not really surprising as betting is hard work, solitary, and you have to grind out thousands of bets to get your returns
Posted by admin on February 3rd, 2016 :: Filed under Uncategorized
For this you have to make an online account and register your name there so that you will be able to do online transaction by your debit/credit cards. No longer do you need to wait for a co worker or friend to place a bet on a game or trek to a far away casino to place your bets. Online soccer betting is increasingly attracting a large number of fans these days. The process of online betting is not difficult at all. These online sites are very effective and rapidly increasing its viewership. The internet is the best source of getting information on the soccer betting. The author has worked as a famous bookee with a few renowned organizations.For more info,please visit fussballwetten and Soccerbetting.
Nowadays, sports betting are a million dollar business. Thus, with the help of these online betting sites the soccer game is becoming more popular and attracting more soccer freaks towards itself.
Shrin Sndu has good knowledge about differnt games,including football, tennis, basketball, handball, hockey and motorsport. Online soccer betting is increasingly attracting a large number of fans these days. The online betting sites continuously give live updates of the soccer game which help the viewers to know the current status of the game and based on that the viewers can bet the amount of money as per their choice. Because of huge fan following of the soccer game there are many people who watch this game through online sites and due to this these sites are gaining more and more profit every day. The process is highly simple and best for all the soccer lovers. With the help of internet the fans of soccer sport can bet online and get all the updates. According to experts soccer betting fussball wetten is one of the most popular sports betting because soccer is one of the most watchable sport among other sports on the planet. One advantage of these online sites is that because of having large viewership many people bet every day on this game so, keeping this point in mind any person who is interested in betting can bet through online procedure. By observing the fan following of this game now, there are many good online sites which provide complete information to the viewers. Many people are interested in doing betting because it is a best source of earning good money just in few minutes. The advent of the internet has dramatically changed the way bets are placed on soccer.. The growing popularity of soccer has enables many gambling opportunities these days, with most of them being over the internet. The advent of the internet has dramatically changed the way bets are placed on soccer. Online Soccer betting fussball wetten provide this opportunity to all the fans that they can double their money through online betting. According to experts soccer betting fussball wetten is one of the most popular sports betting because soccer is one of the most watchable sport among other sports on the planet. With the help of these sites anyone who is interested in soccer betting can bet through online process.
Nowadays, sports betting are a million dollar business
Posted by admin on February 1st, 2016 :: Filed under Uncategorized
This will help make your trading more efficient as you will only ever be alerted of opportunities which are of real interest to you. Restrict By Sport: This filter will block arbs which occur in sports you dont want to trade.
Bookmaker Bonus Trading
As an active sports arbitrage trader, you will almost always have some bookmaker bonuses waiting to be turned over on your accounts. This might not bother you, but if it does, your sports arbitrage software should be able to block them
This leaves you free to focus on the knowledge work aspect of your trading. If youre not being presented with plenty of great, genuine & tradeable arbitrage bets, move onto the next software.
However, there are some features which you should look out for in the sports arbitrage trading software you choose:
1. That means picking out arbitrages located by the software and simply going through the process of finding the bets on the bookmaker sites until you feel comfortable with the software. You may even find yourself able to earn profits during your trial, although you should not be disappointed if this does not happen: the experience you gain at the early stages will be far more valuable in terms of long-term profits.
2 – Does the user interface make sense?
If you cant get to grips with all of the features of the program in less than a day, its probably going to be too unwieldy to use quickly and efficiently in a trading environment.
The best arbitrage trading programs should let you complete a trade within 1-2 minutes by pre-calculating your stakes and opening and logging you into your bookmaker accounts automatically.
4. Its worth trying them all out (those which offer free trials) to find out which suits you best.
With many arb alarm programs, websites and other services, youll receive emails or messages into your private account at a site. A good sports arbitrage alerts system is meant to do one thing: help you to make more money. At after you have placed your bets it will record the information for you so that you have a record of all of your activity.
Nowadays there are many companies offering software to handle sports arbitrage trading online. As you conduct your research into sports arbitrage trading software, youll discover that there are many different offerings available. It should be able to take into account, automatically, issues such as exchange-commissions and up-to-date currency exchange rates.
2. As well as providing an instant community of like-minded individuals who are actively engaged sports arbitrage at the same time, if the Chat is built into the software then it should allow much faster sharing of sports arbitrage trades than would be possible using a normal instant messenger service such as MSN or ICQ.
1 – Is it fast?
Sometimes a program acting slowly isnt your computers fault, it might just be clumsy or careless programming by the software developer.. This type of feature allows you to become very systematic about extracting multiple risk-free bonuses on a regular basis.
The fact is that professional-level sports arbitrage software will do almost all of the donkey work for you. Beyond how effective the software is, you want something user friendly, easy to understand, and easy to use. The filters should operate on at least the following parameters:
Other programs which actually provide up to the minute updates onscreen, by simply keeping a little window open as you browse the internet, work, watch TV, etc. Instead of wasting time scouring the web searching for trades, professionals rely upon their software to do the hard work.
The arbitrage information arrives to their desktop, with all the parameters and calculations already in place. No outdated messages, just currently available opportunities.
Any reputable company marketing sports arbitrage trading software will be more than willing to provide short term trial periods to enable you to get the feel of the software. You might even take this a stage further by putting together some low value arbs to get more of a feel of actual trading.
At this stage, you probably wont recover your subscription overheads and any bank charges, but the real-time experience will enable you to hit the ground running when you eventually start trading with higher stakes.
An Arbitrage Filter enables you to restrict the types of arbitrage trades you receive. It will calculate the arbitrage trades and display them for you in an orderly manner on your desktop. Starting off with the best is a prerequisite for success.
* managing your cashflow to ensure that your accounts are always tradeable when necessary
* looking for new bookmakers to trade with (the best software vendors will add new bookmakers to the software if you request it)
* doing background research on prices once you have been alerted to an opportunity (this is an excellent ay to leverage the information you receive from your software)
If you cannot get a free trial of the software, the chances are that the seller has something to hide. Some opportunities come and go in a flash, and if youre only refreshing your email browser once an hour, you may miss some golden opportunities.
3. They should also provide learning tools that will allow the new trader plenty of opportunity to approach his or her trading project fully prepared. You should be allowed to play around with a trial version of any arb program before investing in it. The problem with this is that you wont actually know about the arb unless you check for it. Take a glance at it now and then, and it will only show you the opportunities available at that precise moment. It will calculate your stake for you and provide you with a 1-click system to open and log you into the relevant bookmaker sites when you have decided on a particular trade. Yet if there ever was cause for the argument “cheap is dear” then it certainly applies to sports arbitrage trading software. It will scan the bookmaker sites frequently and consistently. Some sports arbitrage programs will allow you to list those bookmakers and it will then go on to alert you, in a separate window from the main arbs, whenever one of these bookmakers can be traded with either in an arbitrage or break-even trade. Minimum Profit: This filter will block arbs which yield profits below the threshold you have set.
Some things to consider while using your free trials
Comprehensive Arbitrage Calculator
As touched upon above, your software should automatically calculate your stakes for any type of trade, including those with betting exchanges. Rules Coherence: In MLB and NHL, and in tennis, prices may differ solely because of unique rules revolving around things like pitcher-changes, injured players, overtime and so on. Remember, youll be using this software extensively as you trade so you must feel comfortable with it.
Sports Arbitrage Filters
3 – Does it get you good results?
This is the most important thing. Some of them are fairly simple and inexpensive, and might appeal to the beginner. All that the sports arbitrage trader needs to do is to place the wagers, and wait till the event finishes and the profit to roll in.
There is a school of thought that says if you are just learning the ins and outs of being a sports arbitrage trader, you should set aside a little time after registering your accounts at the various bookmakers you will be working with, doing dry run wagers. Bookmakers: This filter will block arbs which involve bookmakers you dont want to use.
For a true professional sports arbitrage trader it is virtually impossible to conceive of working in this business without using the most powerful and efficient software they can find. This will include things such as:
If your sports arbitrage software allows it, the ability to chat and share trades and other information with other traders can be very helpful
Posted by admin on January 31st, 2016 :: Filed under Uncategorized
The addiction leads people to continue with gambling irrespective of whether they earn or lose in the deal. According to a study by the George State University, 50% of the problem gamblers commit crime. The greed never ends and they keep betting more and more. A recreational activity is supposed to be refreshing and relaxing, but something like gambling is contrary to the very purpose of recreation. Their mental state can even lead to suicidal tendencies.
People who fall prey to gambling tend to remain away from their families and waste money on other bad practices. It causes a decline in his/her work performance, thus hampering his career.
Problem gamblers and addicts tend to abuse their family members. Because of this, they land in worse situations and take the wrong decisions in life.
Similar to how an individual keeps consuming substances like drugs or alcohol to experience an altered mental state, he continues to gamble. Forget satisfaction or peace, it is not even refreshing in the real sense. They tend to stay away from their near ones, resulting in distrust between them and their loved ones.
An Austrian study said that around 1 in 5 suicidal patients had a gambling problem.
Compulsive gambling leads to bankruptcy
Gambling at the cost of one’s job results in a decline in the quality of his professional life. Thus, gambling can have a grave economic impact which is difficult to reverse.
Initially, one looks at gambling as a way to run away from life’s problems, or from stress, anger, and loneliness. Sports betting and arbitrage betting are the other types. Their debt keeps building and it may reach an amount that exceeds their capacity to repay.
Gambling has proven to be addictive. Card games, coin tossing, and dice-based games are some non-casino based forms of gambling. It can drag you into crime, gambling isn’t fun.
They start borrowing money and take secret loans. A study by the same university suggested that 73% of the individuals who are imprisoned are found to be problem gamblers.
According to the University of New York, in people with alcohol use disorders, the chances of developing an addiction to gambling are 23 times higher.
Over time, the practice of gambling starts becoming a habit and begins to have damaging effects at psychological, physical, and social levels. The National Council of Problem Gambling (NCPG) describes this type of gambling behavior as problem gambling.
Children of parents who are problem gamblers or gambling addicts tend to feel abandoned and angry, further increasing stress and leading to strained family relations.
Substances of abuse are served at casinos and in pubs and clubs, thus increasing the likelihood of gamblers consuming them. In the following sections of this Buzzle article, we discuss the negative effects of gambling on the individual and society.
According to a research by NCPG, 76 percent of problem gamblers are likely to have a major depressive disorder.. The addiction has negative effects on one’s physical and mental health and it proves to be detrimental to one’s social, personal, and professional life. The skill of a gambler lies in weighing the three parameters and making a decision about what amount should be staked and how much should be expected in return.
Gambling is practiced as a means of recreation. The stress of risking huge amounts of money or the frustration after losing it can increase the tendency of abuse in gamblers. Six to eight million people in America are estimated to have a gambling problem.
Games offered in casinos, table games like poker, Red Dog, and Blackjack, as also electronic games like Slot Machine and Video Poker are some of the common types of gambling. The two go hand in hand. The addiction gets on to the gamblers to such an extent that they fail to think wisely before acting. According to the National Research Council, 10 to 17% of the children of problem gamblers have been abused and so have 25 to 50% of the partners of problems gamblers.
The costs of treating compulsive gamblers are huge. Rehabilitating the gambling addicts needs money and time, and the process is not very easy. Some go that way to forget the sorrow of losing big sums when gambling.
Gamblers often exhibit mood swings and a strangely secretive behavior. Over time, it becomes a habit, and eventually an obsession that can’t be overcome. On giving a serious consideration to the negative effects of gambling, we realize that it is best avoided.
Gambling can lead to criminal activities. Thus, gambling practices cause a huge financial burden on the families of the affected and on the society at large.
Mental and physical health problems, financial issues, and conflicts in the family are among the common negative effects of gambling. Betting is a mentally taxing activity, and as one goes on risking more and more money, anxiety starts building.
Addiction to gambling has been linked with substance abuse. This proves to be detrimental to their social and family life. The addiction robs a gambler of all the productive time and leads to loss of efficiency at work. Some take to substance abuse to supplement the high they get from winning huge sums while gambling. The effect is similar to that of having a drug or a drink, which is why gambling changes one’s mental state and mood.
Additionally, rehabilitation and public assistance systems are taxed.
Studies show that children with a sibling or parent addicted to gambling, are more likely to take to substance abuse.
People continue gambling with the greed of winning money. To add to the so-called merry atmosphere, gamblers often smoke or drink while playing.
Gambling refers to the betting of money on an event with an uncertain outcome, with the intent of winning additional wealth. They engage in gambling activities at the cost of their time with family and friends. In spite of the losses incurred, they continue betting. Due to lost mental peace, they may ill-treat their spouse and children. The decision to gamble money is based on three parameters namely; how much to bet, the predictability of the event, and the conditions agreed upon, between the gamblers. It only leads to a thoughtless expenditure of money and valuables.
The addiction to gambling can leave one in bankruptcy. When they lose the money they had risked, they further gamble to recover the lost amount and it becomes a vicious circle even they can’t escape from.
Apart from absence at work and drop in efficiency, a common observation is that gamblers tend to steal money and engage in fraudulent behavior to recover from financial losses incurred when gambling, or to get more money to bet.
The stress from gambling may lead to health issues like ulcers, stomach problems, muscle pains, headaches, and problems with sleep.
Gambling = Thoughtless Expenditure + Waste of Time
A majority of those addicted to gambling have substance abuse disorders.
As gambling leads to increased criminal activities, in a way, gamblers add to the burden on prisons and the legal system.
You could be at gunpoint or holding the gun. Addiction to gambling, coupled with substance abuse can make the gamblers physically abusive towards their family. It soon becomes a habit that can’t be broken.
Research has shown that gambling can lead to harmful behavior in people
Posted by admin on January 30th, 2016 :: Filed under Uncategorized
At that point, the bet is matched.
. On betting exchanges such as Betfair, the players themselves are in complete control of the odds and the prices – not the bookmakers.
Once this has been done, its then down to other interested punters to actually provide a counter-offer to these odds. Players can enjoy the flexibility of offering their own odds within a betting system that gives the punter almost complete control and the ability to dictate a certain event on their own terms.
First of all, as there are no bookmakers, there are no longer any hefty margins either. With a betting exchange, a punter always wins, not a bookmaker. If one person believes that a particular horse will win a race; they will back that horse and offer a wager price. In-play betting allows players to use their own analysis to try to predict results of an event even after the event has begun. Betting exchanges offer people a method to directly place bets against each other, very much like nobility used to do during the earliest days of one-on-one thoroughbred racing, so maybe it is the exchange that is closer to tradition?
According to Betfair, during peak hours they’ve matched over 12,000 bets per minute. >From my own experience, I have found the arena of betting exchanges quite exciting and it’s very hard to beat the pure excitement of what Betfair calls an “in-play”. Such betting exchanges typically offer punters much higher odds than traditional bookmakers, and that’s why I always recommend comparing their odds against that of the high street bookie.
This approach to betting of course means that a punter always wins. This represents a significant marketplace that will see very large sums of money changing hands every day. If someone else believes that the horse will lose the race, and they like the odds that are offered, they will lay it. This means that even right into the middle of any event, two people can immediately place a bet regarding the outcome of that event.
The excitement of such a betting system is that two players can pit their wits against each other regarding their ability to do real-time analysis in predicting what they believe will be the outcome. If the originally player who placed the bet likes your counter-offer – they accept and the bet is matched. This represents extremely high liquidity across a huge range of markets, and many betting exchanges attract both very high-rollers and small-time punters as well, with small minimum bets available to cater for the latter.
One of the most revolutionary changes that the advent of the internet has produced, is the introduction of new and sophisticated online betting systems, where the ‘traditional’ bookmaker is no longer king.
The new ‘breed’ of betting systems is called a betting exchange and the way that these exchanges operate, means that as a punter the odds are more stacked in our favour, which is of course no bad thing.
How Does This System Work?
In fact, Betfair and their betting exchange counterparts have presented the public with a new and innovative approach to placing bets, that of course removes the middleman; otherwise know as the bookmaker.
Which Came First?
Players Control The Odds, Not The Bookmakers
Betting exchanges such as Betfair enable punters to place bets against each other in support of which horse they believe will win or lose a particular race. Either way, one player or another is going to win and make money.
Whatever your thoughts or beliefs, exchanges have forced the bookmaker to look at its business model, and in time this will benefit one set of important individuals, the ones who provide the money, the punter.
As far as comparing it to the betting systems of yesteryear, it is about as far removed as you could get.
Why The Punter Always Wins
Maybe the most unique and attractive aspect to betting exchanges is the fact that its the punters who get to choose the odds, not the bookie. Odds are never manipulated to protect profit margin and the only cost for using the system is a low commission that is applied to net winnings. This represents high-energy, fast moving action where the odds change by the second.
Most people would think that the bookmaker is the image of traditional betting, well maybe not
Posted by admin on January 13th, 2016 :: Filed under Uncategorized
These bets are not available in all races as many factors depict if a customer can wager on a high 5 race such as the amount of horses in the race. If one horse win and the other does not, you will lose your bet, both horses must win for you to see dividends.
High Five: You are wagering that your choice of 5 horses will finish 1st through 5th places in a single race. The Odds of the quinella are much higher than a direct win, so more money will be won if the quinella comes through.
Double Event: This waging is when you select the two winners from two consecutive races. So if you wager on horses 6 and 7 in an exacta or sometimes called a perfecta, you must specifically state which horse you bet will come first and which horse will come second.
Pick Four: Are you feeling a bit more lucky? well pick four is for you, you are wagering that your choice of 4 horses will win in FOUR consecutive Races.
Pick 9: Same as the Pick six, the only difference is that the odds are stacked much more higher and so is the payout. All horse tracks offer exacta betting on most races. A trifecta is where three horses are placed in the exacta order of finishing 1, 2, and 3. Placing a $100 dollar bet on a good trifecta will give you a broad nice smile on you face when collecting your winnings.
Exacta: In the exacta, you can pick the horses that will finish first and second in exact order. Betting beg on a pick 9 can give you millions in winnings.
Quinella: The Quinella is a term given to a bet that picks the two horses which will come first and second no matter the order. The odds of picking the six winners in six races are high and so are the payoffs.. So if you bet that horses number 6 and 7 will come first or second, doesn’t matter which one comes first or second. As the odds for winning increases so does the payout. So if you are wagering on race 1 and race 2, you must bet on the horse that will win in race 1 and the horse that will win in race 2. Races with 7 or less horses are usually excluded from High 5 or another term pick 5 wagering.
Trifecta:If you are really lucky or really know your horses, you can wager on what is called a trifecta. So your wager is on horses 6, 5, 7 & 8 (all in 4 consecutive races)
Pick Six: No, this is not the lotto, you must be very lucky to burst this bubble, you are wagering that your choice of 6 horses will win their respective Races
Posted by admin on January 12th, 2016 :: Filed under Uncategorized
Instead, the child discovers that love and approval comes with meeting the mother’s needs, and tunes into the mother’s responses and expectations. This may trigger very young feelings of shame, terror, grief, emptiness, despair, and rage. With the help of a therapist, these feelings can be separated from the present circumstance, in which as adults our survival is no longer at stake. She is in private practice in Santa Monica, CA (See Darlenelancer.com)”
Each must learn to ask for togetherness and space directly, without feeling guilty, or controlling or blaming each other. If you ignore your partner in order to create distance, you inadvertently devalue him or her, creating another problem. Or do you avoid closeness and openness by joking around, showing off, giving advice or by talking about others or impersonal subjects? Do you get overly involved with people outside your partnership (e.g., children, friends, affairs), or activities (e.g., work, sports, gambling, shopping)? These activities dilute the intimacy in the relationship.
Relationship can be an exciting path to the unknown. The greater sense of self a person has, the more flexible and comfortable s/he is with greater distance and greater closeness. The unspoken agreement is that the Pursuer chase the Distancer forever, but never catch-up, and that the Distancer keep running, but never really get away. Babies and toddlers are dependent on the mother’s empathy and regard for their needs and emotions in order to sense their “selves,” to feel whole. They can empathetically hear each other, and wait to have their need satisfied: “I understand and hear your need and its importance to you, but this is also important to me — can we find a way to compromise?” As couples do this, they will have more authentic intimacy, instead of being locked into an unconscious duet of approach-avoidance.
COPING STRATEGIES: We learned defenses as children in order to feel safe. There is less anxiety, and hence less demand on the relationship to accommodate a narrow comfort zone.
CHANGE: The key to breaking this polarization is by becoming conscious of our needs and feelings, and risking what we fear most. The Pursuer must risk saying “No,” and tolerate the anxiety of separation, saying, “I can’t help you – I need to be alone.” The Distancer must risk saying, “I miss you, I need you.” In the movie, “The Doctor,” William Hurt plays a busy, successful doctor, whose wife feels neglected and abandoned.
Change and growth come in discovering your coping strategies, and learning new responses and behaviors. Later, intimacy may threaten the adult’s sense of autonomy or identity, or he or she may feel invaded, engulfed, controlled, shamed and/or rejected. When this happens you cannot communicate effectively, nor take into consideration your needs and the needs of your partner. Both need to embrace the dependent and independent, feminine and masculine, parts of themselves.
When these behaviors are operating without awareness, you are not coming from a place of choice. To an enfant or toddler, emotional or physical abandonment, whether through neglect, illness, divorce or death, threatens its existence, because of its dependency on the mother for validation and development of wholeness. They’re negotiating the emotional space between them. The child learns to please, perform and/or rebel, but in either case gradually tunes out its own thoughts, needs and/or feelings. Often people attract their opposite into their lives to make them whole. In co-dependent relationships where there aren’t two separate, whole people coming together, true intimacy isn’t possible, because the fears of nonexistence and dissolution are strong.. She can’t value her child as a separate “self.” The child’s boundaries are violated, and its autonomy, feelings, thoughts, and/or body, are disrespected. Ask yourself: How do I create space in my relationships? How do I protect my autonomy? Do you criticize, blame, emotionally withdraw or use substances (e.g., food, drugs, alcohol) to create space, be left alone, or lessen intense feelings. A person may feel both abandoned if his or her feelings and needs are not responded to, and at the same time, engulfed by the needs of his or her partner. When each is able to say, “Yes” and say “No,” without the fear of being overwhelmed by intimacy or abandoned by separation, they won’t trigger each other’s defensive reaction.
Partners can learn from each other and embrace their disowned needs. The Pursuer is unconscious that s/he is also afraid of closeness, but relies on the Distancer to achieve enough space for the Pursuer’s needs for autonomy and independence. Partners may reverse roles, but always maintain a certain space between them. Just as the transition from dependence to independence can be frightening, so is the transition from independence to interdependence. For instance, if you repress your anger to ensure closeness, you stand a good chance of alienating your partner, unaware that you may be expressing your anger indirectly. The Distancer can learn from the Pursuer’s flexibility, ability to reach out and ask, to feel others and to blend boundaries. The rewards are worth it, because it is a path of self-discovery and ultimately the divine as we open ourselves to one another. Yet, it is an essential process in order to heal our wounds, become free of our past conditioning, and to allow us to truly live in the present.
They each blame one another and themselves. As adults these behaviors create problems and result in miscommunication.
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The relationship duet is the dance of intimacy all couples do. Instead, the relationship is based on unconscious manipulation of one another, and can trigger your partner’s defensive reactions.
ORIGINS: Research suggests that intimacy problems originate in the relationship between the mother (or main caregiver) and infant. The Distancer feels guilty for not meeting the other’s needs, and the Pursuer feels angry for not getting his or her own needs met. Rather than responding to her child, she projects, and sees her child only as an extension of herself, as an object to meet her own needs and feelings. As the feelings are worked through, a less reactive, stronger sense of self develops, one that is not easily threatened or overwhelmed.
If the mother is ill, depressed, or lacks wholeness and self-esteem, there are no boundaries between her and her child.
The Distancer says of the Pursuer: “She (or He) is too demanding, too dependent, too emotional, or too needy.” And wonders “Can I love? Am I selfish? What I give seems never enough.”
DISOWNED SELVES: Relationships can serve as mirrors for unacknowledged or “disowned” parts of ourselves. Thus, we have the dilemma of intimacy: How can we be close enough to feel secure and safe, without feeling threatened by too much closeness? The less room there is to navigate this distance, the more difficult the relationship. One partner moves in, the other backs-up. It takes tremendous courage not to run when we feel too close, and not to pursue when we feel abandoned, but instead, learn to acknowledge and tolerate the emotions that arise. Similarly, the Distancer is afraid of abandonment, but cannot experience the wish for emotional closeness as his or her own. When each they conscious of their individual needs, they can acknowledge their partner’s needs with respect. The Pursuer says about the Distancer: “He (or She)is selfish, inconsiderate, inflexible, emotionally withdrawn, has to have things his way.” And wonders “Is there something wrong with me? Aren’t I lovable (pretty, thin, successful, smart) enough?”
On the other hand, ask: How do I create closeness? How do I ensure that I will be loved and not abandoned? Do you try to create closeness by giving up your autonomy, hobbies, friends or interests, by never disagreeing, by being seductive, or by care-taking and pleasing others?
Copyright, Darlene Lancer, 1992
“Darlene Lancer is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and life coach with a broad range of experience, working with individuals and couples for more than twenty years. Her focus is on relationships and helping clients overcome obstacles to leading fuller lives. Consequently, the child does not develop a healthy sense of self. S/he would feel too vulnerable, so s/he needs a Pursuer to satisfy her or his intimacy needs. In reality, the Distancer judges the part of him or herself that is needy, dependent and vulnerable, and the Pursuer judges the part of him or herself that is selfish and independent, but each sees the part they don’t accept in themselves projected onto the other. But it requires courage to open yourself up and to experience pain. It requires awareness of our coping behaviors and resisting the impulse to withdraw or pursue. Later, as an adult, being separations in intimate relationships are experienced as painful reminders of the earlier loss. Each person must take responsibility for him or herself, rather than relying on their partner to take care of his or her needs for closeness or distance. We all have needs for both autonomy and intimacy – independence and dependency, yet all simultaneously fear both being abandoned (acted by the Pursuer), and being too close (acted by the Distancer). It’s only when Hurt gets brain cancer that he tells his wife that he needs her. The Pursuer can emulate the Distancer’s ability to set limits, to take care of his/her own needs, to prioritize, to be less personally involved
Posted by admin on January 12th, 2016 :: Filed under Uncategorized